How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
