apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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