I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
