so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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