you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
