All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
