ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
