I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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