Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
