Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
