I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
