Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize