There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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