8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
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