Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
