just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
