Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
