My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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