You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
