Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
