I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
