im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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