so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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