return my video game
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
