It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
