then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
