i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Randomize
