Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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