I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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