my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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