umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
