I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
