You just made me feel so damn special
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
