Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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