Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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