I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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