I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
two words: eviction party
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
