I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
