Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my shit smells like andre
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
