I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
