she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
