I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize