I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
