remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
