Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
