he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
