So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
