New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
