just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
