We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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