I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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