dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
