oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
