I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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