This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
