I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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