I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
high people should be assigned attendants
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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