I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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