I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize